I wrote this a few nights ago, but didn't post it. Then I realized there was no reason to leave it out. Writing helps me to better understand my feelings. I had a rough couple of nights emotionally (began with my bad day in the previous post), and needed to be honest with myself and what I was feeling. And because this blog is about my journey as a military spouse, I can't very well leave things out because they aren't uplifting enough. This is real life. And sometimes life is a rollercoaster...
5/26 -I'm frustrated by my own vulnerability. Even writing about it is uncomfortable for me because I don't like to accept it. Love can be so hard. Loving someone with your whole being brings times of sheer bliss and times of pure pain. The part that frustrates me most is that I never imagined myself so lovesick and ripped apart at times due to the emotional ups and downs of being madly in love with a man who is constantly taken away from me. I used to see myself as so strong and emotionally sound. I never cried. I protected myself with a barrier, which blocked anyone's ability to break me down. And here I am now, investing all of my energy into creating distractions for myself in order to drown out the constant nagging of the empty hole inside that makes me want to hurl. I know that through the grace and strength of God, and through my relationship with Him, I am able to focus on the positive most of the time. And I understand that it is up to me how I choose to live my life and view my situation, which is controlled by the attitude I decide to have. I am always honest in writings, which are reflections of my thoughts and feelings. So I thought that leaving out posts like this one would be dishonest in a way. I am weak, wounded, and struggling at times, and I have nothing to hide.
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