Thursday, May 27, 2010

Nothing to Hide

I wrote this a few nights ago, but didn't post it. Then I realized there was no reason to leave it out. Writing helps me to better understand my feelings. I had a rough couple of nights emotionally (began with my bad day in the previous post), and needed to be honest with myself and what I was feeling. And because this blog is about my journey as a military spouse, I can't very well leave things out because they aren't uplifting enough. This is real life. And sometimes life is a rollercoaster...

5/26 -

I'm frustrated by my own vulnerability. Even writing about it is uncomfortable for me because I don't like to accept it. Love can be so hard. Loving someone with your whole being brings times of sheer bliss and times of pure pain. The part that frustrates me most is that I never imagined myself so lovesick and ripped apart at times due to the emotional ups and downs of being madly in love with a man who is constantly taken away from me. I used to see myself as so strong and emotionally sound. I never cried. I protected myself with a barrier, which blocked anyone's ability to break me down. And here I am now, investing all of my energy into creating distractions for myself in order to drown out the constant nagging of the empty hole inside that makes me want to hurl. I know that through the grace and strength of God, and through my relationship with Him, I am able to focus on the positive most of the time. And I understand that it is up to me how I choose to live my life and view my situation, which is controlled by the attitude I decide to have. I am always honest in writings, which are reflections of my thoughts and feelings. So I thought that leaving out posts like this one would be dishonest in a way. I am weak, wounded, and struggling at times, and I have nothing to hide.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Home again, home again

Returning home from my trip to Nashville was bittersweet. Being with family during deployments is a great distraction and support, but being home with friends and plenty of things to do is great too. Unfortunately, I can't have it all at the same time. The downside of returning home is the quiet.. Oh how I hate the quiet nights! I have a very difficult time sleeping when B is away, which is very frustrating for me because I am normally an excellent sleeper. I always feel very safe and comfortable in our home, I just can't fully relax enough to sleep peacefully when he is away. So last night was rough and I knew it was going to affect my day today. After not sleeping much during the night, of course I woke up at 6:30, feeling drowsy and disoriented. I ended up falling asleep on the couch until about 9:00, which killed my plan to work out early before running errands and studying. So basically, my bad night carried over to a bad day. We've all been there - everything you try to accomplish feels like a failure, and everything that could go wrong, does. I knew a big part of it was my negative, grumpy attitude due to my lack of sleep and general frustrations. But I chose to remain in the clouds, feeling down most of the day. B called, and I lost it on the phone. I kept apologizing, and he reminded me that it's ok to cry, that it's a natural release that shouldn't be restrained. He's right. Sometimes you just need to let it out.

The turning point in my bad night that turned into my bad day, was this evening's spouse coffee. I always look forward to our monthly events, and especially appreciate them during deployments. I can't even describe how grateful I am for the amazing support group we have. I often refer to them as my "military family." It is so comforting to share this common bond with so many wonderful ladies. I am truly blessed to have the kind of support that can pull me out of the funk of a bad day and remind me of who I am and who's always there for me - God, my husband, family, and friends.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Mid-week mind wanderings.. on deployments

Week one is going well. I don't anticipate the deployments will ever become "easy" or "normal," but the transition times are definitely growing smoother as we learn more effective ways to deal. For example, the night before he left, I found myself cleaning up all of his clothes from the floor and putting away his shoes and other things around the house so that I wouldn't come home with the remains of his deployment packing everywhere - a mistake I made last time, which served as another reminder that he was gone. Also, B strongly encouraged me to visit family the first week of the deployment, which I wasn't planning to do, but am glad I did! We've learned all kinds of ways to make the changes of coming and going easier on both of us. After the last deployment, I actually wrote up a little debrief on how the first week of his homecoming went, with notes to make next time even better.

It's so obvious that starting this psychology/counseling/therapy track is going to be a good fit for me. If you haven't noticed yet, I'm very much a deep thinking analyzer when it comes to the mechanics and management of relationships (especially my own). I'm looking forward to gaining the knowledge and wisdom necessary to help others put together the pieces of this crazy puzzle we call life.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Happy Anniversary!
And He's Off Again for Round 3..

Yes, today is our 2 year anniversary. And yes, he deployed this morning. Third time's a charm? Well maybe.. Today was great, considering. We spent the weekend in isolation mode, celebrating our anniversary at a beautiful resort and relaxing at home. We've had an awesome first two years of marriage and enjoyed reflecting and just enjoying each other. I dropped him off at the airport today and just kept driving.. all the way to Nashville to see my family (a last minute decision). I'll spend the first week here and drive back home Monday. It's such a blessing to be able to spend the first few days with family, rather than just me, myself and I in a quiet, empty house. The day was flawless. Hubby made it off safely, I had a lovely, therapeutic drive, and now I'm with people I love. Off to a great start. I think I'm ready for round 3.

I start my Master's degree this week in Marriage & Family Therapy, which should keep me quite busy during this deployment and those to come. It's an online program, so I'll still have flexibility to travel at my leisure, or most likely, on a spontaneous whim - something I value very much with hubby's schedule these days. I also started substitute teaching, mainly for the flexibility as well. I can choose whether I want to work or not, which works quite well with my lifestyle right now, correlating with my order of priorities.

So here I lay, ready for bed once again with one instead of two, hoping to dream of the best two years of my life, praying the next two months fly by..