A Breakthrough

This past week was a struggle, but I've broken through the clouds, and am seeing clearly once again. Lessons learned: 1. Be honest with how I'm feeling rather than try to hide it from myself and others. 2. Don't resist emotion. Embrace it, deal with it, and get through it.


I'm reading an awesome book by Henri J.M. Nouwen for one of my classes right now. I read a section on loneliness today that was especially enlightening to me and pertinent to my current situation. Nouwen talked about how our culture is obsessed with seeking remedies for a nagging sense of loneliness through distractions such as a busy schedule, love, friendships, etc. What we don't realize is that none of these things will take the loneliness away, but rather, using them to avoid loneliness will hinder our relationships and personal well-being. We will subconsciously use people for the fulfillment of our own needs, if we are consumed by our need to escape feeling lonely. We can so easily become overly concerned with the activities of others and whether we're being left out, or missing out on opportunities. Nouwen believes we need to work toward transforming our loneliness into fruitful solitude. This is an inner strength and peace that brings contentment and an appreciation for privacy and alone time - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Our culture revolves around making connections, being in the know, staying busy, competition, knowing what everyone is doing and letting them know what we're doing - facebook, twitter, etc. In a desperate attempt to fill our lives with as many friends and opportunities as we can, could we be caught in a cycle seeking a fulfillment that we will never find through such means? If our intent is ultimately, and probably subconsciously, to avoid loneliness, are we going to accomplish this by continuing in this restless rat race, or embracing a restful mentality?

Nouwen says that solitude deepens our affections for others. He says, "when we live with a solitude of heart, we can listen with attention to the words and the worlds of others, but when we are driven by loneliness, we tend to select just those remarks and events that bring immediate satisfaction to our own craving needs."

This past week, I was really wallowing in my "loneliness" with B being gone. After my breakthrough the other day, and after reading Nouwen's book for my class, I came to some motivating conclusions. Why do I feel lonely when he's away? I am clinging to my need for him to make me feel not alone. But why am I running from this feeling? I am not embracing solitude, I am afraid of loneliness. This can be applied to other aspects of my life besides deployments - as discussed above, in filling my schedule with things to do to distract myself, in feeling a need to be in the know about what everyone is doing, and feeling down if I'm home facebook stalking when everyone else seems to be out having fun! While I don't believe staying busy and social are bad things at all, I just want to make sure I'm motivated to do so for the right reasons - seeking fellowship and involvement to build relationships, not using them to avoid an awareness of loneliness. And when I am physically alone, I want to view that time as peaceful and an opportunity to cultivate inner strength and contentment. In developing this adherence to solitude, I want to transform my heart and mentality to a confidence in my own inner peace, that will foster a restful spirit, joyful attitude, and deeper affection for others.

Even in accomplishing such a transformation, difficult times will come and go, and I still believe it is very important to be honest with ourselves and our emotions, allowing ourselves to feel what we feel so that we can deal! But I feel very inspired by this new way of thinking and approaching everyday life. I plan to work toward embracing solitude in all aspects of my life. What a liberating and promising pursuit this will be!