That Time Again

Took an all-too familiar trip to the airport this morning with a car full of military gear and a man bound for another deployment. Have three months already flown by? After Germany, the holidays were upon us, and the days seemed to pass quicker than I could keep up with. I found myself wishing I had a pause button. I was so blessed to have B here for Christmas and my birthday (Dec. 31st). This is a luxury worth appreciating more than ever before. Though the last weeks flew by, we enjoyed many relaxing, sweet moments, as well as some wonderful travel, surprises and romance.

The week before deployment time hit me hard. We returned home from my family's for Christmas and realized it was already time to pack and prep for him to leave again. The first deployment was full of adrenaline for me. I knew it would come eventually, and after so many months of mental and emotional preparation, I was ready to experience it. I didn't want to, I just wanted to get it over with. It's like as a child, when you have something to talk to your parents about that you know will make them upset. You just want to get it over with, and no matter how bad it turns out, the relief you feel from getting it off your chest is far greater than the pain that ensues.

So the first deployment was a new adventure. Though I often described it as living in black and white, and had plenty of down days, I was a strong survivor driven by my own rush and determination. When I say strong, I'm referring to the ability to stay positive and joyful amidst challenging times. It's not about being strong enough to live on my own, run the household and take care of myself. I do not need my husband for these reasons, as I am quite capable on my own. However, the physical separation from the love of my life and best friend who I spend every day with, is a separate issue.

Now the adrenaline is dying down and this is just a dread. I began dreading this day last week. Normal conversations, comments and thoughts brought prickling tears and a lump to my throat. I got sick of swallowing it down and I cried. And my husband consoled. And I cried again. He has developed excellent consoling skills over the years. We've learned that keeping emotions inside equals bad times. Sadness is one of those emotions that needs to be let out. Before the first deployment, B would try to "fix" the sadness - a natural manly reaction to a problem. I explained to him my need to feel this emotion in order to make it pass. Pushing it down will only bring it back in larger, more difficult to manage quantities. While neither of us want to waste the time that we have together feeling sad, I've found that allowing myself to feel sadness sometimes and share my feelings with B is much healthier than suppressing it until he leaves. This way, the few sad feelings that come before a deployment are easier to overcome with my husband offering support, understanding and encouragement. On the other hand, waiting to let myself feel all of the sadness at once after he leaves would be much harder to handle.

I am feeling down today, as expected, however I continue to focus on the positive. I told B on the phone a few minutes ago that I would much rather have an incredible relationship with my loving husband who sometimes has to leave than to have a struggling relationship with a husband who never leaves.

Driving to Nashville today. Will stay for a couple weeks. Until later this week...

MM

We're Home! Together!!

Our first day back together - Frankfurt


Lunch on the Rhine River - gorgeous vineyards, hills and castles








We stayed in this castle on the Rhine


This one speaks for itself - Rhine river cruise


The castle we stayed in is in the background - Auf Schonburg Castle


Delicious beer!

Strasbourg cathedral

Strasbourg, France

BMW museum - Munich - first snow of the season on this day!

Lowenbrau Bier Garden - Munich

Neuschwanstein Castle

Edelweiss Lodge in the Alps - very cold and snowy!

Partnach Gorge - Garmisch

Hiking the gorge

Vineyards in Freiburg

Our ride home

This is just a sample of the 700 pictures we took on our incredible trip.

October was a whirlwind! I met my man at the Frankfurt airport on the morning of Oct. 8th. It was so wonderful to be back in his arms again. Our 2 weeks in Germany were amazing! We saw tons in Germany and a little bit of France, Austria and Switzerland as well. I loved my first flight in a C-17 on the way home. Travel was easy breezy. As incredible as the trip was, it's so nice to be home with my hubby.

The transition back to reguar married life has been pretty easy, though there were subtle bumps in the road that I noticed and of course, analyzed intensly (If you haven't noticed already, I'm quite a deep thinker - this can be good and bad, but it proves helpful with the lifestyle I currently find myself in.). I've learned a few valuable lessons from this first deployment that I will apply to those in the near future. Most importantly, I have dissolved my unrealistic views of life when we are back together. I had a very construed idea of how life should be now that we face frequent deployments and only have half of every year together. I imagined we would survive the separation periods and then come back together for 3 months of perfect harmony. Obviously, this is not how a normal marriage plays out. However, my logic convinced me that since our time together is limited now, we will never argue or get on each other's nerves when we are together. HA! What a silly idea. So you can imagine the disappointment when we got in a tiff while we were lost and trying to navigate through Germany's crazy streets on our second day of vacation. It took these first few weeks to snap me out of my unhealthy denial and now I'm seeing much more clearly.

Time for dinner with my man. How nice to have company at meal times again!

The Day Has Come!

Well it is just about midnight and I am leaving for Germany in the morning! I'm anticipating the longest day of my life, as I know the planes will not be able to fly as fast as I'll want them to. That's why I'm bringing Tylenol PM! ;-) I wanted to try staying up most of the night so I can sleep all day while traveling, but I'm way too exhausted. I spent the day busying myself with cleaning and last minute packing and errands. And I also had time to play around on this ridiculous site http://www.yearbookyourself.com/ . Has anyone else tried this, or am I the lone dork here?

The past few days have been a whirlwind of excitement and impatience! I lost my appetite and couldn't sleep much. Now that the time is here, I am feeling back to normal, but still super excited! B is already in Germany waiting for me. We've been able to talk on Skype a ton the past few days, which has been awesome. It's great to actually be able to call him now, rather than always waiting for his calls! Technology really amazes me sometimes. He was able to pack with me, wake up with me in the morning and just hang out and talk to me while I cleaned and scurried around the house. It's been a nice precursor to when I'll actually have him in my arms for real.

I arrive in Frankfurt at 12am (my time, 7 am German time) tomorrow night! I'll post pictures as soon as we return. Thanks to everyone who put up with my crazy anticipation this week and for all of the incredible support these past few months!

The Homestretch

With days left until I leave to see him, the excitement is clouded over with frustrations of the excruciatingly slow drag of each day, hour and minute. I'm finding this last part of the deployment hardest for me. Maybe it's my lack of patience, or the exhaustion and drain is setting in. It's a strange thing, because I am excited, but frustrated at the same time. I actually teared up on the phone with him tonight when he sensed that I was a bit down. It was the first time that has happened, which I think is strange, since this is the last week. But I'm pretty sure I understand what's going on - it's transition time.

I'm starting to subconsciously tear down the "wall," as I like to call it. For survival purposes, I naturally revert to my more independent nature when the hubby is away. This creates a harder exterior (the "wall"), which keeps my emotions under control. It's crumbling as the days grow near. This is a good thing, because keeping the wall up when we're together creates an unhealthy distance between us.

I'm beyond ready to get on that plane; although, I've strategically left important things to do until the last few days, so I'm not sitting around twiddling my thumbs. I've been completely one-track minded - daydreaming about jumping in his arms and spending 2 weeks in an amazing place - just the two of us. This has affected my ability to focus and accomplish even the most simple, routine tasks. Even my friends have noticed! As if I don't always rely on lists and reminders throughout the day, they are of vital importance at this point!



Impatiently waiting,

Smiling

I've noticed that I have very intense emotions - whether happy, excited, touched, concerned or sad - when it comes to relationships. The other day I saw a friend out and about during my day, and she had the biggest smile on her face because her military man had returned from overseas. This kind of smile is unmistakable: it reveals excitement, relief and love.

Every time someone's husband/fiance/boyfriend returns to her, I get all bubbly inside. I don't know if it's because I can identify with their feelings and excitement or if I just relish in the idea of happy, harmonious relationships. I'm pretty sure it's a little of both. I just love seeing successful military relationships. I love seeing strong women who support their husbands when they're away and love them to the fullest when they return.

Speaking of husbands returning, just two more weeks and I'll be meeting mine in Germany! We were discussing some of the trip plans on the phone today and B said he could hear me smiling. He was right! Although, I'm almost always smiling when I talk to him on the phone. I want these last days to hurry hurry! I'm trying to fill up my schedule every day to make the time go by faster. I wish I could just take a 2-week long nap. Tomorrow I'll kayak the day away with my good friend whose husband deploys in the morning. It's always important to have a fun, busy day planned when your man heads off.

B

Poor B is sick and I can't take care of him! (I've decided to refer to my hubby as "B" from now on. It sounds natural, since one of my nicknames for him is BB..)

Oh, well that was nice! I just received a call from him as I was typing mid-sentence. And he is feeling much better! I'm so glad, because I hate the thought of him sick when I can't be there to make sure he's taking his vitamins and Airborne, and to bring him chicken noodle soup. I'm such a mother hen, I know.

Just three weeks until I leave for Germany. I am beyond excited now. Short post for now, more later...

Flower Trouble

These gorgeous orchids caused some serious stress today! My wonderful husband sent them to me, knowing that orchids are my favorite flower, and were the flowers from our wedding. What a perfect surprise it would have been if not for the delivery mix-up and rude florist. He arranged to have them delivered Monday. When I didn't mention anything on the phone, he wondered what happened. Finally, when I spoke with him today (Wednesday), he told me he bought me flowers and needed me to find out what happened. So I had to call the local florist, asking about my own flowers. When I explained the situation, the woman on the phone blamed my husband for the mix-up because he had placed the order online for a delivery on Labor Day, and they were closed. She said he should have called to confirm that he wanted them delivered the next day. When I explained that he is deployed and can't make phone calls whenever he feels like it, she still offered no consolation or apology for the inconvenience. Infact, she flat out denied that there was any inconvenience at all. Is it just me, or does failing to deliver an order which causes the customer to spoil the surprise by asking the receiver to inquire about her own gift, and then receive it 2 days late with no apology, refund or discount, have inconvenience written all over it?

I'm pretty sure my frustrations were heightened due to the circumstances right now. A sweet gift coming from my husband which is hindered by an inconsiderate third party brings an impatient anger like never before. Had the woman on the phone been sympathetic, understanding and apologetic for the ordeal, I would have been perfectly content. However, I think what really got me was that she could care less that these particular flowers were selected especially for me, by the love of my life who is halfway across the world, and just trying to make me feel loved and special this week.

I've gotten used to experiencing a general appreciation and heartfelt concern for what my husband does, and when people like this are aware of the circumstances and are just flat out rude and insensitive, it catches me off guard. I certainly voiced my disatisfaction in a lengthy letter to the owner of the company, as well as in a few online reviews of the business.

This is an example of how crazy circumstances can make dealing with crazy people an even crazier experience for everyone involved.

And now the day is done, I've blown my steam, and I can enjoy my flowers.