Black & White

This is a shot from our honeymoon. It's hard to believe that was over a year ago! Our first year together was so vibrant and exciting to me - from the wedding and honeymoon to moving, to buying our first home, facing the ups and downs of finding a job, quitting that job, waiting for new opportunities, making new friends, and building the foundations of our new life together.



Since this deployment, I've started viewing different periods in our life through separate lenses. Deployment periods are falling into their own life category, which I see through a black and white lens. My hubby said something yesterday that got me thinking about this. He said it's very hard to be happy when we're apart. My heart melted at his words, because I know them to be true for me, but hearing him express the same feelings brought both pain and reassurance. The pain because I hate for him to feel the same life-sucking sadness that I sometimes do, but at the same time, it reassures me of how much he loves and misses me in the same way.



His comment was not that we can't be happy when we're apart, but that it's difficult. Togetherness equals happy for me, but I'm learning to rely on my more permanent source of joy that fills me up no matter what the circumstances. My relationship with God is the key to every strength I've experienced thus far. Though it is more difficult to wake every morning with a smile and bright attitude when I feel a gnawing emptiness inside because my other half is across the world in a war, it is possible! I am doing it, but it's not me, it's Him.



So I'm finding that deployments are more about healthy survival for me. Life goes on, but it lacks luster - it's just black and white. I can function just fine, take care of business, laugh, smile and appreciate life, knowing all the while that I'm experiencing the black and white version. And when the time comes, boy will I appreciate the incredibly satisfying, all-encompassing, absolutely perfect full color version!