The Homestretch

With days left until I leave to see him, the excitement is clouded over with frustrations of the excruciatingly slow drag of each day, hour and minute. I'm finding this last part of the deployment hardest for me. Maybe it's my lack of patience, or the exhaustion and drain is setting in. It's a strange thing, because I am excited, but frustrated at the same time. I actually teared up on the phone with him tonight when he sensed that I was a bit down. It was the first time that has happened, which I think is strange, since this is the last week. But I'm pretty sure I understand what's going on - it's transition time.

I'm starting to subconsciously tear down the "wall," as I like to call it. For survival purposes, I naturally revert to my more independent nature when the hubby is away. This creates a harder exterior (the "wall"), which keeps my emotions under control. It's crumbling as the days grow near. This is a good thing, because keeping the wall up when we're together creates an unhealthy distance between us.

I'm beyond ready to get on that plane; although, I've strategically left important things to do until the last few days, so I'm not sitting around twiddling my thumbs. I've been completely one-track minded - daydreaming about jumping in his arms and spending 2 weeks in an amazing place - just the two of us. This has affected my ability to focus and accomplish even the most simple, routine tasks. Even my friends have noticed! As if I don't always rely on lists and reminders throughout the day, they are of vital importance at this point!



Impatiently waiting,

Smiling

I've noticed that I have very intense emotions - whether happy, excited, touched, concerned or sad - when it comes to relationships. The other day I saw a friend out and about during my day, and she had the biggest smile on her face because her military man had returned from overseas. This kind of smile is unmistakable: it reveals excitement, relief and love.

Every time someone's husband/fiance/boyfriend returns to her, I get all bubbly inside. I don't know if it's because I can identify with their feelings and excitement or if I just relish in the idea of happy, harmonious relationships. I'm pretty sure it's a little of both. I just love seeing successful military relationships. I love seeing strong women who support their husbands when they're away and love them to the fullest when they return.

Speaking of husbands returning, just two more weeks and I'll be meeting mine in Germany! We were discussing some of the trip plans on the phone today and B said he could hear me smiling. He was right! Although, I'm almost always smiling when I talk to him on the phone. I want these last days to hurry hurry! I'm trying to fill up my schedule every day to make the time go by faster. I wish I could just take a 2-week long nap. Tomorrow I'll kayak the day away with my good friend whose husband deploys in the morning. It's always important to have a fun, busy day planned when your man heads off.

B

Poor B is sick and I can't take care of him! (I've decided to refer to my hubby as "B" from now on. It sounds natural, since one of my nicknames for him is BB..)

Oh, well that was nice! I just received a call from him as I was typing mid-sentence. And he is feeling much better! I'm so glad, because I hate the thought of him sick when I can't be there to make sure he's taking his vitamins and Airborne, and to bring him chicken noodle soup. I'm such a mother hen, I know.

Just three weeks until I leave for Germany. I am beyond excited now. Short post for now, more later...

Flower Trouble

These gorgeous orchids caused some serious stress today! My wonderful husband sent them to me, knowing that orchids are my favorite flower, and were the flowers from our wedding. What a perfect surprise it would have been if not for the delivery mix-up and rude florist. He arranged to have them delivered Monday. When I didn't mention anything on the phone, he wondered what happened. Finally, when I spoke with him today (Wednesday), he told me he bought me flowers and needed me to find out what happened. So I had to call the local florist, asking about my own flowers. When I explained the situation, the woman on the phone blamed my husband for the mix-up because he had placed the order online for a delivery on Labor Day, and they were closed. She said he should have called to confirm that he wanted them delivered the next day. When I explained that he is deployed and can't make phone calls whenever he feels like it, she still offered no consolation or apology for the inconvenience. Infact, she flat out denied that there was any inconvenience at all. Is it just me, or does failing to deliver an order which causes the customer to spoil the surprise by asking the receiver to inquire about her own gift, and then receive it 2 days late with no apology, refund or discount, have inconvenience written all over it?

I'm pretty sure my frustrations were heightened due to the circumstances right now. A sweet gift coming from my husband which is hindered by an inconsiderate third party brings an impatient anger like never before. Had the woman on the phone been sympathetic, understanding and apologetic for the ordeal, I would have been perfectly content. However, I think what really got me was that she could care less that these particular flowers were selected especially for me, by the love of my life who is halfway across the world, and just trying to make me feel loved and special this week.

I've gotten used to experiencing a general appreciation and heartfelt concern for what my husband does, and when people like this are aware of the circumstances and are just flat out rude and insensitive, it catches me off guard. I certainly voiced my disatisfaction in a lengthy letter to the owner of the company, as well as in a few online reviews of the business.

This is an example of how crazy circumstances can make dealing with crazy people an even crazier experience for everyone involved.

And now the day is done, I've blown my steam, and I can enjoy my flowers.

Black & White

This is a shot from our honeymoon. It's hard to believe that was over a year ago! Our first year together was so vibrant and exciting to me - from the wedding and honeymoon to moving, to buying our first home, facing the ups and downs of finding a job, quitting that job, waiting for new opportunities, making new friends, and building the foundations of our new life together.



Since this deployment, I've started viewing different periods in our life through separate lenses. Deployment periods are falling into their own life category, which I see through a black and white lens. My hubby said something yesterday that got me thinking about this. He said it's very hard to be happy when we're apart. My heart melted at his words, because I know them to be true for me, but hearing him express the same feelings brought both pain and reassurance. The pain because I hate for him to feel the same life-sucking sadness that I sometimes do, but at the same time, it reassures me of how much he loves and misses me in the same way.



His comment was not that we can't be happy when we're apart, but that it's difficult. Togetherness equals happy for me, but I'm learning to rely on my more permanent source of joy that fills me up no matter what the circumstances. My relationship with God is the key to every strength I've experienced thus far. Though it is more difficult to wake every morning with a smile and bright attitude when I feel a gnawing emptiness inside because my other half is across the world in a war, it is possible! I am doing it, but it's not me, it's Him.



So I'm finding that deployments are more about healthy survival for me. Life goes on, but it lacks luster - it's just black and white. I can function just fine, take care of business, laugh, smile and appreciate life, knowing all the while that I'm experiencing the black and white version. And when the time comes, boy will I appreciate the incredibly satisfying, all-encompassing, absolutely perfect full color version!