That Time Again

Took an all-too familiar trip to the airport this morning with a car full of military gear and a man bound for another deployment. Have three months already flown by? After Germany, the holidays were upon us, and the days seemed to pass quicker than I could keep up with. I found myself wishing I had a pause button. I was so blessed to have B here for Christmas and my birthday (Dec. 31st). This is a luxury worth appreciating more than ever before. Though the last weeks flew by, we enjoyed many relaxing, sweet moments, as well as some wonderful travel, surprises and romance.

The week before deployment time hit me hard. We returned home from my family's for Christmas and realized it was already time to pack and prep for him to leave again. The first deployment was full of adrenaline for me. I knew it would come eventually, and after so many months of mental and emotional preparation, I was ready to experience it. I didn't want to, I just wanted to get it over with. It's like as a child, when you have something to talk to your parents about that you know will make them upset. You just want to get it over with, and no matter how bad it turns out, the relief you feel from getting it off your chest is far greater than the pain that ensues.

So the first deployment was a new adventure. Though I often described it as living in black and white, and had plenty of down days, I was a strong survivor driven by my own rush and determination. When I say strong, I'm referring to the ability to stay positive and joyful amidst challenging times. It's not about being strong enough to live on my own, run the household and take care of myself. I do not need my husband for these reasons, as I am quite capable on my own. However, the physical separation from the love of my life and best friend who I spend every day with, is a separate issue.

Now the adrenaline is dying down and this is just a dread. I began dreading this day last week. Normal conversations, comments and thoughts brought prickling tears and a lump to my throat. I got sick of swallowing it down and I cried. And my husband consoled. And I cried again. He has developed excellent consoling skills over the years. We've learned that keeping emotions inside equals bad times. Sadness is one of those emotions that needs to be let out. Before the first deployment, B would try to "fix" the sadness - a natural manly reaction to a problem. I explained to him my need to feel this emotion in order to make it pass. Pushing it down will only bring it back in larger, more difficult to manage quantities. While neither of us want to waste the time that we have together feeling sad, I've found that allowing myself to feel sadness sometimes and share my feelings with B is much healthier than suppressing it until he leaves. This way, the few sad feelings that come before a deployment are easier to overcome with my husband offering support, understanding and encouragement. On the other hand, waiting to let myself feel all of the sadness at once after he leaves would be much harder to handle.

I am feeling down today, as expected, however I continue to focus on the positive. I told B on the phone a few minutes ago that I would much rather have an incredible relationship with my loving husband who sometimes has to leave than to have a struggling relationship with a husband who never leaves.

Driving to Nashville today. Will stay for a couple weeks. Until later this week...

MM